you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize