totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
