at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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