last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
