What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Randomize
