not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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