I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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