New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
