I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
