I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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