found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
