I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
