Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Randomize
