New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
