I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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