Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize