Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
