my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
