i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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