so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
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