my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize