is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
