I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
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