Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
