he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I would fuck him just for his dog
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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