don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
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