i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
