i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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