I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize