3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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