I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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