I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
