You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
