Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
