There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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