I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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