Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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