two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
