Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Randomize