I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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