god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
