My friends, they love my intelligence
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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