She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
