dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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