dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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