It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
