why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
