Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
