Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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