Can i not drive my cunt home
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
