It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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