I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Randomize
