Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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