I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
