we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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