Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Terrible idea I love it
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
