I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
