4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
