Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
