she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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