Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
